The fiddler: Lost in translation
The Fiddler
There is a move afoot in China to correct all Chinese signs that have been mistranslated into English. This move is most unfortunate as the world would be a far more interesting place if we all took heed of the wisdom contained in the mistranslated versions. As the silly expression goes, if it is not broken, don’t fix it. Translating from one language to another is a tricky business especially if you use a programme like Google Translate to provide a literal word-for-word translation of a foreign phrase.
The Fiddler has decided to embark on a world tour with all first-class expenses generously paid by the editor of The Standard in order to take advantage of the myriad delights on offer stemming from wrongly translated instructions.
Make good satisfy
International hotels want to give satisfaction to their esteemed guests. My German hotel let me know that it intended to pleasure me every day, but another German hotel urged restraint by ordering me “not to do smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed”. My Swiss hotel suggested that because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in my bedroom, I should use the lobby for this purpose. In Japan, the hotel invited me to take advantage of the chambermaid, and in a similar vein my Serbian hotel informed me that the job of the chambermaid was “the flattening of underwear with pleasure”. My French hotel urged lack of restraint by telling me to leave my values at the front desk. In Spain, I was informed that the tart was highly recommended. The Swiss hotel told me that they had “a nice bath and they were very good in bed”. In South Korea, I was given the choice of a twin bed or one of marriage size, but they regretted they did not have King Kong size. In Italy, my hotel boasted of “suggestive views from every window”.
Forced service
In Italy I was encouraged to use forceful methods to obtain room service: The brochure stated:
“If service is required, give two strokes to the maid and three to the waiter. It is kindly requested from our guests that they avoid dirting and doing rumours in the rooms. Hot and cold water running up and down the stairs.”
In China, I kept my eye on my luggage because I was warned, “Take luggage of foreigner no charge.”
Fire alarming
Instructions on how to deal with fire in the hotel differed in various countries. In Finland if I was unable to leave my room when a fire broke out, “I was to expose myself in the window”. On the other hand, I was happy at my Austrian hotel to do my utmost not to alarm the porter. In Japan, the sign pointing to the fire extinguisher reading “Hand grenade” made me reluctant to make use of it.
Public signs in China
These were an endless source of fascination. Some of these were:
“The male sex toilet; Extraordinary female toilet”; “Slip and Fall Down carefully” (Be careful, don’t slip); “To take notice of safe”; “The slippery are very craftv”; “Execution in Progress”; “Beat the Moose” (No smoking); “Please keep quiet and take care of your children. No romping in potato. Thank you”; “I like your smile but unlike you put your shoes on my face”; “Mind Crotch” (Watch your head) at a shop: “Please don’t touch yourself. Let us help you to try out Thanks”; “Do drunken driving.”
I was somewhat perturbed when I read the sign: “Beware of Missing Foot”. I regretted the sign, “Racist Park” but quickly realised it was supposed not to be a park for racists, but rather a park for ethnic minorities.
Perhaps my favourite was this gentle ecologically friendly sign: “Do Not Disturb Tiny Grass is Dreaming.”
Peace and quiet
In Italy, the hotel proudly told me that it was renowned for its peace and solitude, and in fact, crowds from all over the world flocked there to enjoy its solitude.
Dress to order
In China included in a package of “complimentary wares was a pair of workout shorts marked: Uncomplimentary shorts.” Another Chinese hotel recommended “good appearance but no watermelon please.” (Fortunately, I had forgotten to pack my watermelon). A French hotel told me, “A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers”.
Go hang
I was rather reluctant to follow instructions at some hotels, however. For instance, a German cloakroom told me to hang myself there. I was also reticent to call room service in my Spanish hotel because I was told that if I phoned them I would get the answer I deserved. So too at the Danish hotel, I was not prepared to “take care of burglars.” I also saw no reason for the injunction about consulting my lawyer in my room in Thailand, “Please do not bring solicitors into your room.”
We lift you up
A Romanian hotel said that during the time the lift was fixed for the next day management regretted that I would be unbearable. In Qatar, I was helpfully told not to use the lift when it was not working.
In Serbia, these were the instructions: “To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.”
Excellent cuisine
At my Swiss hotel, I was informed that the special was no ice cream and in South Korea, I was relieved to be informed that measles was not included in the room charge. In Mexico, I declined to drink the hotel water because a sign told me that the manager had “personally passed all the water served.”
In China, certain things were not on the menu: “eaten the carpet was strictly prohibited”.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: “Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”
Delectable dishes on offer at restaurants in China included: “Meat muscle Stupid Bean sprouts”; “Sixi roasted husband”; “Whisky & Cock”; “Potato the Crap”; “Crap Stick”; “Cheap, Fast & Easy Soup for Sluts” and a dish that was destined to explode in your large intestine. I was not bold enough to sample “A Time Sex Thing.” One restaurant gave this instruction: “please do not be edible Exterior girdle food”.
And now a mistranslation from English into Polish that went seriously awry. On a 1977 Presidential visit to Poland, President Carter had intended to convey friendly “desires for the future” for relations between their countries. Unfortunately but his translator ended up using a phrase that communicated sexual desire and went on to discuss “grasping for Poland’s private parts.” His translator, Steven Seymour, specialised in Russian and, as you can imagine, this was his first and last job translating Polish.
Finally, I returned to Zimbabwe where the terse welcoming sign read, “Be a Patriot or else”. This apparently was not a mistranslation.
